An Unhealthy Addiction

I haven’t blogged in…I have no idea how long, I’d have to look at my last post, but when I have no other way to express my feelings in a time of joy, turmoil, amazement and still-fear, it seems like an appropriate outlet.

Two years and 2 days ago, I married the love of life—the kindest, most caring and sweetest man I have ever met – and I love him every day more than the one before.  That day was the happiest of my life up until 1 year, 4 months, 2 weeks and 1 day ago, when this absolute miracle occurred.  Somehow, some way we were given not one, but two beautiful babies – a girl and a boy.  Born 6 weeks premature and tiny – but perfect, healthy and thriving. 

It never ceases to amaze me how life changes so quickly, unexpectedly, and can constantly take you by surprise.

April is a month of a lot of anniversaries for me.  It was 4 years ago April 1st that I went to work as a contractor for this little, essentially start up, company . . . It was a huge risk.  My dad thought I was crazy—said so several times.  I was leaving a job with some level of security, insurance, and people who in some way cared about me to go to work as a contractor for this “internet” company, and initially make a fraction of my previous salary, that was even based out of the COO’s basement in Port Orchard, WA at the time.  Honestly---I am laughing at myself now for making that move.  It was a complete leap of faith.  I don’t know what I was thinking!!

I was working from my house and traveling extensively.  It was on one of those trips, to California, that I met Ken.  Fast-forward 4 years and it was the best decision I have ever made.  That chance I took, that plunge to hope for a better future – it got me to where I am today.  Happily married with two children, working from home where I am afforded the luxury of staying with my kids and needing no childcare, in an amazing house my husband busts his ass to make perfect for us, with a company that has grown leaps and bounds, now has a real office – and where I have thrived and still been able to grow myself professionally. 

However, right now, at this moment, I am supposed to be writing a press release announcing the change of ownership of our little company.  Friday it was sold to a software and media company that is based out of London. 

I can’t do it.  I can’t put the words to paper.  My eyes are welling up with tears as I try to write.  Four years ago there were about 8 of us.  Now, on the board of directors alone, there are 8.  Right now, the only person in the company with more tenure than myself is the COO, and I am essentially looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. 

I’ll find out my fate with them as time progresses, no later than the end of May would be my guess--I have to make a trip out to Seattle at the end of the month.  My contract secures me, or at least my salary through next April, but there are points in time where you have to choose to take that leap---and as I grind my teeth and furrow my brow knowing just how quickly life can change and how unsure I am of what the future holds---I find myself knowing in my heart that this is one of those times that I am going to have to jump. . . and I'm just not ready.

You see…the thing is, I have kind of grown to have this unhealthy addiction.  It’s my kids.  I haven’t missed a day in their lives since birth.  I don’t want to start now.  I’ve seen too much.  I know what I would be missing.  That’s just not ok for me.  I don’t want, I need that random hug in the middle of the day on the backs of my legs from Oliver as he is running by me.  I need to see Olivia clap her hands and hold them up just to be held for a few minutes - or yell momma for the thousandth time.   That’s mine.  That’s my privilege as their mother to have those moments, and I don’t want to just hand them off to someone else who doesn’t have the same love or appreciation for every second.  I can’t.  I won’t.  This is one addiction I am just not going to give up.   I think about them every second of every day.  I put them to bed at night, just to sneak in to see them again before I go to bed.  I can tell you every mark and dimple on their little bodies, and exactly where each piece of hair falls - even where it's going to stand up after they've eaten and run their food through it.  I know when they are going to wake up before they wake up, and if they are going to sleep through the night before I ever lay them down.    Sure, they would be fine - safe, happy still - if I had to leave them for a couple of days.  I know they would be ok if they had to go to daycare or a nanny every day...  I'm not irrational.  That's just not the path I want to choose.  In the pit of my stomach, I don't feel that it is right for me or my kids, personally.

So…what do I do? I’m lost and miserable.  Torn.  Desperately looking for a safe landing place for this next jump.  Praying the landing doesn't force me into a position that I just can't live with...