So tonight I finally opened the door to the brave new world of instragram! Woohoo!... Ok, I'm lame, and late to the game, I know - but better late than never (if that's not the story of my life, I don't know what is...).

Point being, I'm grabbing a picture to put up to get my profile started and there were two that stood out to me.  Both were taken last week.  It's truly striking how something you've looked at 10 times can speak something entirely different to you in a different context of use at a different time.

These photo were both pure joy in the moment they were taken.  The first is a silhouette of me on the beach with Nora.  We had a photographer taking family pictures on the beach and she caught this shooting into this amazing sunset.  Nora was laughing and happy as always.  The horizon colors were even warm pinks, reds, and oranges.

The second photo was one of Olivia sitting on the sofa after coming in from the beach.  She was just relaxed and lounging.  Happy.  She was staring straight at me - just staring and said "I love you Mommy"  So sweet and so intense.  Those eyes...just piercing.  

As I grabbed these pictures to upload I got caught up in them.  I am guilty yet again of late night thinking that pin balls into directions I never expect or know how I got there when I arrive at some sideways conclusion.  

When I looked at the silhouette I didn't see myself in it.  The dark figures could have been any woman and child, aside from the rooster hair (mine and Nora's) there was nothing really identifying about it.  I think that's one reason it spoke to me.  It's a bit of the way I see myself right now.  I don't know who this new me is.  I don't know what she looks like or is supposed to look like.  I don't know what she talks about besides her kids - she has nothing else in the world going on right now, and has, really, little to contribute to conversation in general - even if she could get the words out that are on her mind.  I don't know who "she" is.  She's a wife, a mother, but who is that person?  What does she like, what does she enjoy, is she blonde, brunette, will she ever be thin again (I mean I am pretty damn sure she shouldn't have a muffin top or FUPA - but inappropriateness aside - does she need to be trim and cut - or is she happy with average?), what is her style, what are her goals, who is she? 

I don't think I've really quite wrapped my head around what being a stay at home mom really means beyond the tasks that get us through the day.  And even at that - how do I know I am doing a good job at being a mom during the day in and day out routine?  I've always had some sort of gauge to measure my success in my career, in my hobbies, and even in my health.  Now...  some days I feel like I earn a gold medal just by keeping them alive.  Others... the day is full and fun and they are amazing and still feel like I missed doing something...  like major and earth shattering.  And even if every day - every single day - is amazing and filled with love - kids can still go down a wrong path or decide in 20 years that they want nothing to do with you.  When do you know if you have succeeded as a parent?  Do you ever?  Can you be both good-or great- and inadequate at the same time?  If you are doing your very best on a daily basis as a parent or, specifically, a mom - can you really give anything else 100% and still go to bed at night without feeling guilt or knowing that you have done all you could?  Do you still have that I missed doing something feeling - or do you sleep easily know you've done all you could do?  

The picture of Olivia is more so what brought on the second train of thought.  Those eyes...  Oh those eyes will burn a hole through you like a laser.  I look at that picture and am just drawn in - but at the same time feel like she's outright sizing me up - judging me as a mom.  Tonight we were sitting at dinner at Ken's parents and she patted my hand on my chair and said Mommy, I like you.  Just out of no where...  That kind of spontaneous acknowledgement or approval is HUGE.  My kid likes me.  She has to love me - it's obligatory.  It's taught from day 1 - I love you, I love you, I love you, tell daddy you love him, tell mommy you love her, can you say I love you?....  Like.  Like is something they learn on their own.  Likes, dislikes...I want that, i don't want that.  Liking something or someone is a willing emotion.  So, I go to bed tonight thankful, and fulfilled in knowing that my kids "like" me.  But to look at this picture of those bright blue eyes staring at me, I feel as though I can never do or be enough to live up to her expectations - to what she (or they) need from me.  

I don't think I have ever in my life felt so judged as I do as a mother.  Everywhere, by everyone, for everything - I have also never cared cared so little at the end of the day about what others thought---as long as my three little people think I hung the moon.

And because I can never leave out my little man....this little man - will just melt your heart.

I can't even remember the last time I sat to write a blog post.  So much has happened since - there is no point in trying to play catch up, but I'm going to attempt to be better about it from here.

My pregnancy with the twins I got to pretty well document.  With plenty of bed rest and down time, writing was a time filler and outlet.  Now - I don't even have time to write my name in a greeting card.  No - seriously - poor Ken got his anniversary card two days after our 3rd anniversary, and I got to write in it only because I wrangled the kids and strapped them in their car seats ready to go while I took two minutes to scavenge an ink pen in my glove compartment and write a little.

My pregnancy with Nora - as far as a pregnancy goes - flew by and was so uneventful and stress free there wasn't much to write about.  At least not about the pregnancy itself - during that nine months we endured, subjected ourselves to, and made more life altering decisions than anyone should make over the course of several years in their life - and even more so not in a 6 month span while expecting a baby...but then again, we've never really done anything without jumping in with both feet.

It all began with a trip to Seattle to visit my old company in June - just before I found out I was pregnant with Nora.  Everything spiraled from there.  I realized the company's new owners were not a group of people I could work for or with as a contractor or employee.  Between June and October we built and launched Bidder-Connect.com.  I resigned from my role at BidSpotter, and transitioned out and left in October.  In October, I got a rather abrasive cease and desist order from my former company's new owners.  It led to an ugly legal battle that resulted in my buy out.  As of November, I am a full time SAHM (stay-at-home-mom).  In November, Ken also started negotiations for a new job.  These would go on for almost a month with discussions and offers. We put a contract in on a house in Monroe, GA.  We listed and got a contract on our then current house.  Ken accepted the new role and started in December.  Then - the contract on our house fell through with an epic fiasco,  we realized - there was no way we could live in Monroe - the commute for Ken was just going to be too much.  We were released from the contract on the Monroe house and were back to looking to sell/buy.  With time ticking away and Nora's arrival getting closer and closer, we had to step up our game with the house hunt/selling ours.  In February we put a contract on a house in Lawrenceville, GA - taking us back to my old stomping grounds around the Snellville area and soooo much closer to my family.  However -- the sellers couldn't close until April 1.  In the mean time - we finally secured a contract on the Johns Creek house, and would close on it by the end of April.  So...there I was - 8 months pregnant and packing a house while Ken was in India on work.  We had a painting crew in the first week of April, moved the second week, unpacked the third and fourth week and welcomed our sweet sweet baby girl, Nora Jane, on April 25th.    For the month after she was born I was pretty much debilitated with a fractured L4, torqued and tilted pelvic bone,  a compressed tail bone and torn ligament in my wrist - amongst a few other injuries from a fall down the stairs.   The next thing I know...it's rapidly approaching June again - a full year has passed and I find myself sitting on a sofa, surrounded by my three kids with a completely different life.

No - with the turmoil and bombardment of events that we went through in the 9 months I was pregnant with her, I didn't have the time or mental capacity to write about or even recount much of my pregnancy with Nora or the amazement I felt at watching the twins experience it and how much they grew...but I will be forever grateful for those events and that whirlwind of time as they have gotten us here----where I have been able to enjoy every waking moment with them since.

Good, bad, crazy ( and I mean it gets like twilight zone, out of body experience crazy with a newborn and twin 2.5 year olds), happy, sad, hyper, sick, well, screaming, laughing....whatever the day holds, I am there for it.  100%.  I'm not torn between juggling their lunch and phone calls, or site failures when the west coast is still sleeping and my kids are just waking up, or pushing press releases while they are potty training, or meeting ad deadlines wight the office doors shut instead of reading books, I get to experience with every ounce of my being, my full attention, not a fractured piece of me - and some days it takes more than I think could possibly bring to the table - but we power through and at the end I think I'm more grateful  for those days than the ones that come easy - I get to experience my kids.  All three of them in all of their glory.

When I was 20-something, I had all of these ideals about where I would be, what I would be doing, what I would look like, what "old" was.  I had a ten year plan.  What I can now say for all of that is - I was wrong.  I was so incredibly painfully wrong.  I have spent years and years wishing for my mom that she had a career for herself, something to "do".  I was determined to "be something", and by my 20-year-old definition, I was.  I was Global Director of Marketing of an international company, offered a seat as it's CEO that I declined to be the founder of a startup.  I walked away.  Do I miss it - parts of it, yes.  I desperately miss being able to have a conversation that uses more than 2-syllable words and pronouns in the proper tense.  I miss having an actual name, Bridgette.  I miss being the "smart one" on the call or in the room.  At 30-something though, my definition of "being something" has drastically changed.  What I have realized is that my mom had and still has a career - she has never stopped being a Mom.  She devoted her entire being to us.  I don't think that is something you can understand until you are a mom.  You can appreciate it, but you never really "Get it".  There is a certain truth to it - to your connection with your kids, with your body that created them that draws a new reality for you.   Suddenly those stretch marks and scars have a new significance, they tell a story.  You see that a mom's inability to form a sentence or think of the word they need at the moment isn't from absent mindedness, but from constantly being stretched to their wits end and being maxed out in every possible way.  They are usually sleep deprived, occasionally un-showered, rarely shaved,  in clothes with stains from markers, food - you name it, no makeup and on many occasions running late.  But they are definitely "something".  They are mom, mommy, momma, mother.  You see that 30 - something, as a parent, isn't old at all, but just getting started.  You also see how quickly time passes as your kids grow and change, and time and age become relative their age.  Mainly, now, I just want to sit back and breathe in every moment with them.  This year has been a demonstration for me of how quickly time really does pass and how much things can change - I can only imagine what the future holds and quite honestly don't care to have a "plan" for it just yet.