Point being, I'm grabbing a picture to put up to get my profile started and there were two that stood out to me. Both were taken last week. It's truly striking how something you've looked at 10 times can speak something entirely different to you in a different context of use at a different time.
These photo were both pure joy in the moment they were taken. The first is a silhouette of me on the beach with Nora. We had a photographer taking family pictures on the beach and she caught this shooting into this amazing sunset. Nora was laughing and happy as always. The horizon colors were even warm pinks, reds, and oranges.
The second photo was one of Olivia sitting on the sofa after coming in from the beach. She was just relaxed and lounging. Happy. She was staring straight at me - just staring and said "I love you Mommy" So sweet and so intense. Those eyes...just piercing.
As I grabbed these pictures to upload I got caught up in them. I am guilty yet again of late night thinking that pin balls into directions I never expect or know how I got there when I arrive at some sideways conclusion.
When I looked at the silhouette I didn't see myself in it. The dark figures could have been any woman and child, aside from the rooster hair (mine and Nora's) there was nothing really identifying about it. I think that's one reason it spoke to me. It's a bit of the way I see myself right now. I don't know who this new me is. I don't know what she looks like or is supposed to look like. I don't know what she talks about besides her kids - she has nothing else in the world going on right now, and has, really, little to contribute to conversation in general - even if she could get the words out that are on her mind. I don't know who "she" is. She's a wife, a mother, but who is that person? What does she like, what does she enjoy, is she blonde, brunette, will she ever be thin again (I mean I am pretty damn sure she shouldn't have a muffin top or FUPA - but inappropriateness aside - does she need to be trim and cut - or is she happy with average?), what is her style, what are her goals, who is she?
I don't think I've really quite wrapped my head around what being a stay at home mom really means beyond the tasks that get us through the day. And even at that - how do I know I am doing a good job at being a mom during the day in and day out routine? I've always had some sort of gauge to measure my success in my career, in my hobbies, and even in my health. Now... some days I feel like I earn a gold medal just by keeping them alive. Others... the day is full and fun and they are amazing and still feel like I missed doing something... like major and earth shattering. And even if every day - every single day - is amazing and filled with love - kids can still go down a wrong path or decide in 20 years that they want nothing to do with you. When do you know if you have succeeded as a parent? Do you ever? Can you be both good-or great- and inadequate at the same time? If you are doing your very best on a daily basis as a parent or, specifically, a mom - can you really give anything else 100% and still go to bed at night without feeling guilt or knowing that you have done all you could? Do you still have that I missed doing something feeling - or do you sleep easily know you've done all you could do?
The picture of Olivia is more so what brought on the second train of thought. Those eyes... Oh those eyes will burn a hole through you like a laser. I look at that picture and am just drawn in - but at the same time feel like she's outright sizing me up - judging me as a mom. Tonight we were sitting at dinner at Ken's parents and she patted my hand on my chair and said Mommy, I like you. Just out of no where... That kind of spontaneous acknowledgement or approval is HUGE. My kid likes me. She has to love me - it's obligatory. It's taught from day 1 - I love you, I love you, I love you, tell daddy you love him, tell mommy you love her, can you say I love you?.... Like. Like is something they learn on their own. Likes, dislikes...I want that, i don't want that. Liking something or someone is a willing emotion. So, I go to bed tonight thankful, and fulfilled in knowing that my kids "like" me. But to look at this picture of those bright blue eyes staring at me, I feel as though I can never do or be enough to live up to her expectations - to what she (or they) need from me.
I don't think I have ever in my life felt so judged as I do as a mother. Everywhere, by everyone, for everything - I have also never cared cared so little at the end of the day about what others thought---as long as my three little people think I hung the moon.
And because I can never leave out my little man....this little man - will just melt your heart.
