Having spent the last 10 minutes rummaging through the
bottom of my purse to find some sort of candy to rid the cotton-mouth I just
woke up with at 3 hours on an air plane from Seattle to Atlanta, I find myself
stuck somewhere in between time zones floating between 1:30 and 4:30am.
Uncomfortable, mentally and physically exhausted, and quite
simply homesick and missing my kids after 3 days away, I’ll arrive back in Atlanta
sometime just before 6am and just in time to get home for them to wake up and
start another day.
In four days, they will be 18 months old. This is the first trip where I have had
to leave them for work – actually, aside from my short stint in the hospital,
this is the first time I have left them period for more than a couple of hours
running errands.
In recent months, the options that have been placed in front
of me concerning the company I work with and my career path have weighed
heavily on me. After two days of
intense meetings this week, only to turn around in two weeks to do a 6 day
travelling stint, I’m not sure if I have a clearer understanding of the
direction that is best for me and my family - - for my kids, or if I’m finding
myself, now, with fewer options and a more blurred line of right vs wrong.
In a sense, I feel like I need this challenge. My mind has been forced to think – to
actually work and function – this week and in the past few months -- in a way
that I haven’t had a chance to apply myself or broaden my thought in
years. If I continue with this
opportunity, it will expand not only my own abilities and career, but also satisfy a goal I’ve had for myself personally for sometime and –ultimately – let me attain the highest level of accomplishment and respect that I could achieve in my
field.
On the other hand, and most importantly, there are my kids. Continuing down the path I am on will
mean an incredible lifestyle change for my family. Sleeping on planes to miss the fewest amount of daytime
hours with them will be my new norm.
Monthly board meetings in Seattle that are followed by planning meetings
in Chicago and in depth reviews in London are what my schedule will become—and
will be until I can make a decision beyond the immediate future, or we can
position ourselves financially for me to make a decision otherwise.
I am getting home just in time to have our summer family
pictures on Friday, throw a shower for a friend this weekend, compile the
reports and order the analysis I need to prepare for the following week – and
leave again the next Sunday (Father’s Day) – Thursday or Friday for a multi-leg
trip.
I don’t know the answer.
Had I been given this opportunity four or five years ago or
placed in the same position, I would have never thought twice about it. Head down and get to work. I didn’t need anything else besides my
work – and more so, no one else needed me.
Three or four years ago, I would have steamed ahead, driven
but with caution to try to keep a balance in my life.
Now. Now I have this...
I’m not
sure when I weigh my options if this one - this job - is really even on the table or if it so
far tips the scale that I’m just hanging in there until I know the next move. Then I find myself baffled by the
decisions we have to make for the sake of financial stability - for "our futures". You strive to work and succeed for the
benefit of your family and children, but at what cost – time away from your
children. Missing the daily
routine that develops them in to who they are and builds their character,
personality, confidence, and determines their own success in life. What is the line between
those financial goals and the weight of the time you miss? Where is the tipping point for where
the pros of one outweigh the cons of the other? Are my kids better served by a more meager lifestyle - shy of my own ambition - and my
full and devoted attention, or by all the security that can be afforded to them
by their father and I, and having fewer
hours of our time and affection?
I know that a 50-60hr work week from home + one
full week a month – 25%, possibly more, of my kids lives is, for me, too
much. However, right now, the
alternative of going back into an office 40 hours a week, every week, doesn’t
seem much better – possibly worse.
I’ve been spoiled.
They’ve been spoiled. I’m
fully aware of that. Not many
people get to have what I have – the best of both worlds (staying at home with their children full time and a successful career) – for this long, if at all. But having had it – that leaves me
knowing that there is another solution.
Where is it? What is
it? This is what I am struggling
to find. But – it’s hard to focus
or look any further than the current path when there is so much in front of me
to be done, and such an unyielding schedule ahead.
Right now, what I am most thankful for is the support of my
husband who misses the kids almost as much as I do during these trips with his
work and them staying at my parents, AND the people who have been the most help
to us since day one with the kids - my parents. Words could never express their significance in my life – in
my kids lives, or the weight that they have lifted in this situation knowing the
babies are safe, happy, and in what she has made their second home
so-to-speak.
~
As usual, I didn’t finish this post in my first attempt, and
now – a week later – I am back on a plane at 10:45pm. I’m due to land in Seattle around 3am my time (12am PST),
with an hour drive to my hotel and sunrise in Seattle just 4 hours later. My original flight was slated to leave
at 6pm but we were able to get it changed at the last minute, so I wasn’t
missing the majority of Father’s Day traveling.
Nothing has changed in the course of a week. I managed to procrastinate on most of
my week’s work to spend some extra time with the kids since I was gone the week
before and will be gone this week.
So, I’ll be spending the flight tonight playing catch up and trying to
trying to get some sleep.
Ken and I have spent the last week brainstorming on what we
can do to speed along a decision or “what-if?” scenarios. Short of selling the house and
drastically changing our lifestyle, which will still take time – we got
nothing. Every other option seems
to be lose-lose right now.
Tomorrow will be tough – meetings with the London crew start
at 7am. We won’t break for lunch
and will work through to an early dinner around 5:00 so everyone can catch up
on some sleep….only, it never actually gets dark in Seattle in the Spring/Summer,
and they don’t believe in black out drapes, so sleep is next to none for
someone who already copes with insomnia.
I already miss the kids horribly. I spent most of the drive to the airport tonight tearing up
thinking what I would have done if one of them had been sick or gotten hurt before I left (I probably wouldn't have gone and would have lost my job) –
or what I would be able to do if they got hurt while I was gone. I know they are safe and in capable
hands, but it’s my job to be there.
If they fall, if they cry, if they just want to be held… Shit. Well, now I’m crying writing this. People around me are looking at me a little odd...
It’s not even like I can just jump in the car and get to
them quickly if something happens.
In a best case scenario if something went wrong it would take me at
least 9 hours. An hour from Gig
Harbor to the Seattle airport, an hour through the airport and to get on the
plane, 5.5 hours in the air, 30-45 min from the plane to my car, and an hour to
my moms house.
It just makes me sick – literally, physically ill.
On that note – and a different subject – Oliver started head
butting this week. That’s
fun. He gave me a concussion – not
even exaggerating. What??? I have to leave my play date? What?? I can’t have your HOT coffee??? BAM – take that lady!
I’ll make you see birds!
Seriously… it’s that bad.
What’s Olivia up to while Oliver is head butting me? Well, her favorite phrases right now
are “take it,” “want it,” “I do it,” and “oh my, my, my!” That should give you an idea.
Maybe it’s not such a bad week to be gone after all… Good luck this week, Momma! You’re gonna need it with my little
monsters!
For now – I’m going to try to get a little sleep on the
plane.
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